A Tale of Two Broads

Reader Question Time!

Hey Friends,

So a couple of weeks ago, Autumn and I asked you guys (via twitter) to ask us a question ranging from anything. And while the response was overwhelming! I had to pick this one…

drum roll pleaaasseeeee….

Question:

“are you two really, truly this full of yourselves?
-A”

Answer:

well, well, well, I believe this is our first piece of hatemail and I’m happy to say whoever wrote this obvi knows that I love popular culture, because why else would you be referencing the HIT ABC FAMILY SHOW PRETTY LITTLE LIARS! OH MAH GAWDZZZZ. Btw did you watch the newest episode? It was really great, but def. not the best.

However, who ever wrote this, also must not be able to read sarcasm, humor, or even know that Autumn and I never take ourselves seriously. So if this was an attempt at a “jab” as you american youngins say, or to make us weep. Nah you’ve only proven for hysterical fodder. let’s break it down.

1. Taking the time to write this question means that you care too much about the fun we’re having or that you’re secretly jealous that we stole your tumblr blog title, either way.

2. You are either a girl or a gay guy because I doubt any straight male watches pretty little liars, so that narrows our twitter readership to about 75% of our combined followers.

3. To finally answer your question…yes we’re really THAT full of ourselves that we write a blog about cats and Disney channel shows. I would think that if we were full of ourselves we’d be talking about the ending of Lost and how we totally understand it or that MGMT is such a great band and that their cockiness is all worth it. Or better yet…that Kanye West is a great singer…but then again I could be off base.

4. You were secretly hoping that I would pick this question, because part of me wants to secretly cry to my mother while she knits prayer scarves for homeless people…NOT GONNA HAPPEN (but my mother does do that because she is a saint so have some respect)

So somewhere in my rambling I think I answered your question A or is it Ms/Mr/Dr. A? you should really be more formal or indicative of who you are so I can give you some proper acknowledgment.

I also hope you were finally able to learn how to read sarcasm because I think you’ve been reading this blog the wrong up until now. I really wish I wrote your question because that would just prove how self-absorbed we really are that we had to write our own questions, but then again you would expect that out of us…now wouldn’t you A?

So in two simple words I bid you adieu: Stay Pressed

- Ms. I

Pittsburgh Hott: A Simple How-To

Summer is among us boys and girls and many of you know that Pittsburgh does have a booming tourism industry. With the expectations high of non-yinzers visiting the lovely burgh, it’s important to know how to fit in!

Now as a tourist, you’re best bet is not to go to a country or city and try exactly to be like the natives, for instance,  nobody wants to be Madonna with the fake British accent or go to long island and tell everyone you walk and talk and have a long island accent…no one cares.

HOWEVER! the key to success in Pittsburgh is to look the part, while you might not know what a jagoff is or what exactly chipped chopped ham is, becoming PITTSBURGH HOTT is very simple, in fact…maybe too simple.

Pittsburgh Hott is a look that stems from the shores of the Allegheny and goes all the way around the Mon and eventually even ends up in the 724 countryside. If you’re following me so far…congrats you’re halfway there!

Now let’s move on to the steps of transforming yourself into Pittsburgh Hott

(Disclaimer: this is mostly for the ladies, but fellas, feel free to try it out)

Step 1: Let’s start with those pesky eyebrows shall we? Here in Pittsburgh, you don’t need them! They only get in the way of you painting your face for the Steelers (which is the ONLY team you will root for) So aim for something fun like below:

These eyebrows will allow for more glitter make-up that you buy at the claires 10 for $5 grab bag or when you fall into a clown’s make-up kit, either way…OPTIMAL eye shadow opportunities.

2. After you’ve plucked away your past and hopefully didn’t cry the entire time (it is a painful process i’m aware, but its the authentic way of achieving the look, no waxing here friends) We’ll need to do something about that hair color of yours. What’s that you say? You like your ginger or brown or sandy blond hair? Sorry Friends! Pittsburgh Hott only gives you three options to choose from:

a) what’s more natural that BLINDING blonde hair?

b)Not a fan of blonde? then you gotta go straight jet black because in the Pittsburgh color wheel we only have black and gold.

C. Can’t decide? then go for the timeless classic of two tone hair? its the best of both worlds, it shows that yeah you’re a happy person, but the black hair shows that you’re equally bad, or that you slipped in some oil at your boyfriend’s car shop and you haven’t washed it yet…EITHER OR! we see here that once the eyebrows and hair are done…fierceness can’t even describe where we are in the process.

Not to mention…

Step 3. your make-up must be CAKED on because hey if we can’t tell that you’re wearing a second face made up of three shades too dark because you haven’t seen the sun since June of 2002…then why bother putting any on at all.

The face phase of your makeover is now complete…let’s move on to the rest.

4. The Body…while this part may seem the hardest to achieve, realistically it’s all about laziness. The less you do, the hotter you look. Don’t believe me? let’s break it down.

A. Tattoos: While it may seem that a lot of thought goes into adding unnecessary ink into the temple that is your body, here, we need to go for simple and add no thought at all. Stick to the basics: butterflies, tribal art, and lots and lots of hearts.  AND remember, location, location, TRAMP STAMP.

B. Weight: We here in the burgh are non-discriminatory. Size 0? Size Youcan’trememberbecauseyoujustateatPrimantis? NOT A PROBLEM. All Sizes are welcomed, but remember if you’re small wear your clothes baggy and if you’re a bit on the bigger size wear the clothes the tighter the better.

C. Fashion: Ahhh yess, we are the pinnacle of the fashion industry as by that i mean, if you don’t own a sports jersey…don’t bother coming here. We host various of fashions to the old women who constantly wear cat sweaters, the men who let the pot bellies hang out of the Steeler Superbowl Ts, The Teens who only wear Forever 21 and Delia’s, the Hipster’s who roll around in dirt, and yes the Pittsburgh Hott even has a Look. The men of the Elite Pittsburgh Hot must spike their hair, wear button up shirts and khakis. Not sure if it matches? Not a problem. But this is the hottest look and the women really love it when you’ve stopped caring about how you look since 7th grade picture day.

Women: A subject near and dear to my heart. Us ladies must adhere to three fashion rules: Trashy, Trashy, and Trashy. If you shop at body central or Wet Seal..you’re at mecca. Don’t forget about those Ts that let us really know your self-esteem levels. “My boyfriend says i’m hot, but his best friend says i’m hotter” or “Hottest Blonde You Can’t Talk to” or maybe something a lil bit more on the modest side “You Can look, and maybe i’ll let you touch” This shirts really drive home the point that you’re all about the Hott and serious about it. . Remember nothing says sex bomb like a graphic tee. Make the denim bedazzled and you’ve got yourself a friday night outfit, now run out to east carson street and strut your stuff.

Wow, we have spent quite some time together haven’t we? With these helpful tips, now you can procure the look of Pittsburgh Hott and you can really fit in during your summer travels in the city of champions…if you doubt me, just try it on during one night out (hopefully in the VIP SECTION OF A CLUB DUH LYKE OBVI DID YOU HEAR THAT NEW NICKLEBACK SONG SO GREAT RIGHT?) and see how many numbers you get from men who are still bitter about the Three Rivers Stadium being torn down.

Good Luck Yinz!

-The Jealous Ginger

Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Lovely introduction Autumn, while most people aren’t crazy cat ladies til their mid 70s early 80s, I have a feeling you’ll fit right in to that community.

So I’m sitting in my finest Saturday sweats waiting to go to the Three Rivers Art Festival with some kids and I came to the realization that there is some REALLY REALLY awful television on in the mornings.

Let’s take Suite Life ON DECK. I’m gonna go ahead and assume some of you have watched Suite life of Zack and Cody on Disney before…and if i’m assuming wrong, then this post is going to be pathetic because why is a 22 year old girl writing about a show about two kids who lived in a hotel…

Doesn’t it look like they are having fun?

Because….I can. Alright, shall we?

This show centers on twins…Zack and Cody (duh) who got early fame from being that little kid in the BLOCKBUSTER HIT! Big Daddy, who now go to school on some cruise liner…did i mention they barely look like they are in 9th grade? Every episode has this plot line.

1.Opening joke (Cue laugh reel here) set-up MAJJJJOOORRRR CONFLICT (aka they get lost in a corn field or can’t figure out how to do laundry, either way i don’t care).

2. Opening Credits - the entire thing is shot on green screen down to the clothes they are wearing…production value at it’s finest.

Then my favorite part is this…3. they always go to a new country to have this conflict and somehow make fun of all the stereotypes and make Americans look like idiots…but the show is trying to promote traveling and global thinking at the same time.

Like the episode I’m watching now, they hit India, So NATURALLY everyone lives in a Hindu temple and has a terrible Indian accent that is so offensive…yet the laugh track still goes on. this is painful.

and then conflict, resolution, the end, at this point i don’t care anymore.

I’m not really sure if it’s because i’m up this early on a Saturday to catch this show, or if i’m just really missing a good ole fashion episode of Rugrats and Hey Arnold…if you don’t know what those two means…quit reading now.

What’s going to happen to television IF/WHEN i have kids? it’s probably going to be a lot worse seeing as how as i typed this i saw a commercial for a new show that centers on a karate dojo and it’s called “Kickin’ It”….

I think I’ll stick to watching the news because that’s less depressing than these shows….

This is news right?